I am happy to have Kevin Del Rosario, one of my best friends, on Another Lost Boy. He has explained the toughness of this pandemic, his supportive relationship through his mental battles, and also his story on when he felt lost from himself. Read Kevin’s story on his journey to trusting himself and the growth behind it.
(This conversation is summarized based on voice memo recording and his permission)
Feeling Bad by Having It Good
What is your thought process with everything going on with the world?
It sucks man. I feel like everyone I’m talking to is having a super hard time at least mentally. Dealing with whatever this pandemic is throwing at them whether it’s financial issues or even relationship issues. I feel like everyone is in this rut, including myself. From my experience, this whole pandemic has taken a toll on everyone I care about. It’s tough. To be honest, my situation isn’t the worst you know. I look at other people and tell myself, I’m not dealing with a situation like that. For example, others got laid off, some people can’t afford the next couple of months of rent, you know what I mean. There are people in tougher situations, I have a roof over my head, I’m not paying rent, and I’m still getting paid by my job. I’m in a better situation, technically, so it’s almost like I feel guilty for still being so sad all the time. I know I’m going to be good, but just hearing everything on the news and seeing everyone experiencing all these issues, it’s making me reflect on things that I feel like I’ve been running from. It’s like a mixture of all these factors that are making me sad -- and on top of that, it’s the guilt because I’m in a better situation than most people. That’s a good 30-40% of my time, but the majority of the time I try to keep myself busy.
I’m still working from home and trying to find more time to do things like dancing. I’ve been trying to get out of my head and freestyle more. Nowadays, I dance to make myself feel good and not to impress others. Dance has really helped me cope with everything and my girlfriend. She’s a ton of support and I don’t know where I would be without her. Honestly, as bad as how my mental health is going, relapse is a thing and she’s helping me realize that. Just because relapse happens doesn’t mean you’re digressing on your mental health journey. She’s helped open a lot of doors for me. Stints happen but the good always outweighs the bad.There’s nothing really good you can say about these times right now so it’s like having anything good to say about it like anything good you’ve been doing is an accomplishment.
Communication. Being Sensitive. Setting Boundaries.
What is motivating your relationship during this pandemic?
I feel like my situation isn’t different than anybody else’s. We can’t see each other often. The forms of communication are obviously via text or Facetime. We literally see each other, if anything, once a week.
For me, being open to communication is going to be a staple for strengthening your relationship. I think it’s important that everybody grasps the idea of communication. It’s so straightforward yet people still don’t know how to do it, myself included. I get through these stints where like I said, I have these episodes and rough patches here and there where I’m feeling negative and in a bad place that I forget to communicate. People can forget how to communicate. If anything, it’s a skill that you have to work on. That alone is a crucial factor during this pandemic.
Also, being sensitive to your partner’s energy which is easier said than done from a distance. We’re both going through things, separate journeys of our own. It takes a lot to look at the situation outside of yourself and which one of us needs more support. My issues can be overlooked for now because I need to be there for her or vice versa. It takes another level of maturity I guess to really understand that. We’re still learning from each other every single day. Just be very sensitive and empathetic. Be very very empathetic and the world needs more of that right now.
Another thing is setting boundaries. We’re going to see our families a lot more and be with whoever you’re living with more too. If you’re going to be romantically involved with someone from a distance it’s important to know that people who are physically with them have some share of the cut. I feel like my girlfriend and I are scratching the surface with this. Before we’d feel guilty if we had to cancel like our Facetime dates every night. There’s such a thing as a healthy distance.
My Love for Dance
What is a moment when you felt lost? (My love for dance)
A huge moment or turning point in my life when I felt super lost is when I started to grow or drift apart from something I thought I was born to do which was dance. I feel like everyone has that cross-roads on what direction do you go to on something that you’ve been in love with. Do you grow with it or do you grow apart from it? I was slowly coming to terms that there are other baskets I want to put my eggs into. I just felt guilty about it. A huge portion of my friends I made is through dance, my girlfriend and I were both dancers, it’s like something I’ve always had my entire life. To say that I’m not in love with it anymore kind of hurts. Almost a year ago I was going through graduation, PCN show, getting into a new relationship, saying goodbye to all my friends, everything with college that I didn’t have enough time for dance. I grew apart from it a little bit.
After college, I was taking some dance classes with some friends and I realized that I wasn’t really that good anymore. It’s a shallow way to put it but that’s what the first initial thoughts were when I started to dance again. It feels like I’m not cut out for this anymore. I don’t know if it’s something I have to step away from and find my way back to or if it’s something I have to cut out of my life like cold turkey. I have to figure that part out. That part of this whole story is still unsure.
Moving forward, there’s Company auditions which is a dance team that I’ve been wanting to join since I was in high school. I’ve done auditions and casting many many times. I felt like this was a turning point on where I saw myself with dance going into the future. I learned the audition piece and felt very confident in myself. Once it was my time to audition, something happened to me that never happened in my 10+ years of dancing… I froze. I couldn’t move and I look scared. It was embarrassing and I felt mortified. We had to do it twice and I froze and couldn’t do it. After we departed from the audition, I went to an empty studio and cried. I broke down and didn’t want to talk to anyone and had a panic attack.
The worst thing about that whole situation wasn’t the fact that I froze but what I did AFTER the audition. I left. I didn’t finish the audition process, I didn’t wait for them to call me back, I didn’t wait to see if I made the team or not. A good portion of people that cared about me was blowing my phone up saying to get back there. That was probably the most disgraceful part about it. It wasn’t that I messed up the audition -- it was the fact that I gave up and left. I have to live with that. It really hit home and it really hurt. I had no one else to blame but myself. I talked to my girlfriend about it and just vented it out. That was it for my dance journey.
Two months later, I got a text saying I still am part of their development team which is called Training Ground which I’ve been a part of for 2 years now. I thought to myself that I did not deserve that spot at all. I was lost. What do I do? I disrespected them but they’re still willing to have me on that team. A part of me doesn’t want to run from dance just yet. Sadly, I wasn’t able to continue my time with Training Ground because my grandmother passed away and also because of work. I don’t know where I’m going with it and it’s still a question mark. I don’t know if I’m done dancing because I still have a love for it and get that therapeutic feeling when I do dance. I just don’t know if I’m ready to do it in front of other people. I can’t even post a video on Instagram because that moment made me that insecure.
Growing Apart from It
If you handled the situation differently, do you think you’d still be in love with dance?
That’s the thing. If I did the audition totally fine, didn’t leave, and made the team and things go according to plan which usually never do… I don’t know. I’d still have to take a leave of absence. Regardless of what would happen I have to come to terms that I’m growing apart from it. Even if that didn’t happen I would still question my love and loyalty for dance. I don’t think it would’ve made a difference. It’s just now it’s a known feeling because other people know I’m having this internal battle.
Trust Myself More
What is your mindset now moving forward from that situation?
The way I’m going about life is that everything and anything whether we like it or not it’s a learning experience. Especially something as impactful as that, I definitely learned a lot from it. I learned to trust myself more. That back and forth battle I had up until I froze, like that wouldn’t have happened if I just trusted myself more. That goes back to self-confidence issues, insecurities, other things that I have not fully learned to deal with yet. I’m still currently learning about myself. Stop questioning my ability to do things. When we fixate on things that we don’t want to happen we’re giving it energy. We’re giving it power. We’re manifesting it. Whenever I envision something that I don’t want to happen, a good 60-70% of the time it happens! It’s because I’m giving it power and so much energy. I should be putting that energy towards something that I want to happen like not messing up or giving up at the auditions.
Focus on the Little Things
Anything you’re looking forward to in the future, like dance classes, after this pandemic?
This is still something I have to come to terms with internally. As of right now, I don’t have a plan and I’m comfortable saying that. I’m starting to be comfortable not knowing especially during a time like this. We have all these plans, all these hopes. I’m going with the flow at this point. That’s the thing we don’t even know when this thing is going to end and I’m not trying to make plans that may not even happen until like 2021. I’m looking forward to small things like I’m getting glasses delivered today. That’s all I’ve been thinking about this week. Little things like that. Things that are for sure going to happen. That’s what I’m looking forward to. Celebrating the small accomplishments. Everything has a silver lining.
I just want to say that I love that you’re doing this. This is such a good idea especially right now because we’re so alone with our thoughts. So giving people an outlet to get it out of themselves. In a way, you get to do that with yourself too with people you interact with. I really really appreciate you taking the time out of your way to do something like this. You’re not getting paid for this. This is something you are doing with the goodness of your heart and that’s something I always admire about you man. Thank you for having me be a part of this. I’m going to be open about it -- I was diagnosed with depression. I couldn’t keep up with therapy because of this pandemic. This is kind of a version for me because it’s that therapeutic. That’s how I’m seeing Another Lost Boy which is why I jumped out at the opportunity.
Thank you Kev for opening up about your passion for dance and your willingness to grow from tough situations. Although it still may be a question mark in your life, I know that you’ll figure it out. You’re an amazing dancer and a kid with a good heart so keep your head up. Check out his Instagram (@kevdelros)!
I appreciate you for taking the time to read his story. Always love. From one lost boy to another - here’s to trusting ourselves.
Another Lost Boy