Another Lost Girl Story by Bailee Christmas


I got the chance to speak with one of my friends from college, Bailee Christmas about her story. She will be moving out of the Bay Area and I am happy I was able to get the chance to speak with her before her departure. I am very thankful to speak to Bailee about her spiritual journey, her experience growing up in a white community, and some tips for women of color. Read her story and pass it on to those that need this knowledge and love.


(This conversation is summarized based on voice memo recording and her permission)


Awareness of Myself to See My Role in Life

How’re you feeling lately?

Since the beginning of quarantine people would ask me “how’re you feeling” and I’m like "I'm always changing." Every hour is different. Every day is different. Every week is different. So it’s been a lot of development and growth. A lot of rebirth, resurrection, new beginnings, blessings, and awareness of myself. Recognizing how much of my life am I leading for myself and from myself? And how much of my life am I basing it on the things that are outside of me? So I think before quarantine I was like "I have this type of job, and I have these kinds of relationships in my life, doing this and that". It was all focused on my idea of what perfection was and then quarantine happened and those things I couldn't have anymore -- they’re also physical and material so I couldn't engage with them. Then I was like okay so who am I? So through all this I’ve been going through that journey -- going to a lot of dark places, going to a lot of light places. Then there’s been the parallel of the world and what’s happening outside. The whole idea of being alone, growing through this has been really helpful.


I think I was beginning to feel secure again and you know love and light everything is good but then there were the George Floyd protests and I learned to make sure I’m grounded before choosing to absorb what is happening outside because it’s all so crazy. I don’t know how but I think I got onto Instagram and something just broke me. So, I ended up unearthing a lot of personal trauma. The uncertainty of the world outside has kinda perpetuated that journey but in itself, it's been hard but also a blessing. These were things that I had to address and go through. I also had to recognize that in a movement, as a woman of color, everyone has different roles. That’s what has been hard to do because I’m not a fighter, like who am I in all of this? Who am I in life? How do I want to show up? I learned to be okay with my role since I see myself as a lover and a holder and a container. I’m not speaking out on a lot of things because I’m still figuring that out. And it’s like that’s okay.


I stay away from Instagram right now because sometimes I’ll feel guilty. It’s like I’m not posting and I’m not doing this and that -- but that’s okay because that’s not me. But ultimately the source of my guilt is me going back to that "I’m looking at what’s outside of me to define me. I’m seeing one thing and I’m comparing my experience to that but that has nothing to do with me. And I have learned that friction I’m feeling is resistance. If there is resistance let it go. So right now I’m continuing. In an observational state and a grateful state. Giving myself permission going to some dark places and rely on myself so I can trust myself. Also, discovering tools and practices so I can stay grounded and not want to isolate too much during quarantine. Giving myself grace and not being so hard on myself. Choosing to not watch the news. Being cautious and limiting myself on how much I go on Instagram too.


I cut off a lot of relationships too. What is the energy exchange that I have with people now? Is it supporting me? Is it supporting my values? Is it perpetuating fear and anxiety that’s happening outside? Start with yourself and how well you know yourself to make the choice to cut something out. If you feel like you don’t know yourself very well then probably sit on it. You don’t have to make rational choices right now. Having the ability to listen to myself. The values of the relationships that I did cut off were based on convenience. My discernment was like you are working so hard to be the best version of yourself. Quarantine has revealed amazing people in my life. If you don’t have this abundance of exchange in a relationship it’s not worth it anymore.


Race Is Bullshit

What’s a story where you felt lost?

My whole life hahaha. There are so many nuances and different iterations. The lostness started when I realized I’m a woman of color (I'm black). I grew up in Denver and grew up in a mostly white community. So it started when I was going to school and I recognized that I was different from other people. So I always felt lost like where do I identify? I went to the same school from Kindergarten to 8th grade then when I went to high school it was diverse. Then I was like okay where do I identify as a black person hanging out with white people and a black person hanging out with black people. I felt lost in those relationships. I kind of always hopped around and didn’t feel grounded anywhere. In that, it also generated a lot of lack of self-love and a lot of self-loathing and unhealthy practices. A lot of self-harm. Now, with the protests happening, I recognized my immediate reaction to it all was grief. Then it was like anger and frustration. But, it was anger and frustration at myself and the people I’ve grown up with. Being a woman of color, I’ve felt lost just being that. What does it mean to be a black woman? I still struggle with that. It goes back to what are the values that I value and understanding that my role simply just is me being me and that I’m going to show up in whatever way that I can. But that’s something I struggle with. Who can I be?


The home that I found is my body. The world isn’t black and white. I’m black, you're Filipino. Where do I show up in this relationship? I don’t have to overthink about this relationship - I just show up as myself. I think I found solace and that return to my home is in learning to return to my body. Loving myself wholeheartedly and going back to not looking at the constructs outside of myself to validate my experience. Also, recognize that race is bullshit haha. Race is an idea. Love is love. You can fuck with whoever you want. A lot of that lack of myself and not trusting myself and being able to see myself in the world created a lot of tension and struggle. That’s what fed this version of myself that wanted to be all these things. I’ve been able to say goodbye to that lost girl and come into myself. While observing that too because she’s still in there. She’s kinda like an archetype at this point. How she shows up is like I will something want it but when I observe myself in the moment I see that my inner-lost-girl shows up but it's the projection of what I can have in the future but I shouldn’t be jealous or be frustrated because I don’t have it now.


The Start of My Spiritual Journey

When did you switch to have that mindset of self love and finding your home?

My default has always been happy and optimistic. I would say what transformed it was committing to a spiritual journey which I started in September of 2018. I went off of birth control and made the conscious choice to reduce as many pharmaceuticals that I consume as much as possible. Cut it down to zero. I started to do yoga and learn about astrology which helped morph me into the spiritual person I am today. Those practices and that awareness of mindfulness, physical well-being, what is the spirit and soul, and how to cultivate that has very much so helped me identify within myself.


Adapt to New Environments

What are you hoping to achieve in your next journey?

I recognized that I adapt well to environments. I have learned to surrender to the fact that everything that happens to me is meant for me. I’m exactly where I need to be at exactly the right time. The more trust I have in that, the more I learn to read my life. How to read signs and signals, how to connect with my spirit, how to ask for things, and how to read my dreams to better navigate life. I had to cultivate that trust within myself. Right now, I have adapted to how to be successful in America, in Western society, in the Bay area. How to have the lifestyle I have now but I'm learning that’s not what I want. I want to move and readapt to a whole new way of living and see what comes from that. It’s like what I eat, how get around, the language I speak, and everything about my identity and my life can change. I like to adapt to new environments. So much comes from that. I’m looking to see what comes with being in choosing to live in an entirely new place.


Love Yourself, Forgive Yourself, and Give Yourself Grace.

Is there any advice you’d give to women of color?

Honestly, love yourself. Love every inch of yourself. Look at yourself naked. Say only kind things about yourself. Observe all the unkind things that you’ve ever said to yourself. Eradicate it, cut it out, and replace it with something positive. Be mindful of your words. Be compassionate. Give yourself grace. Forgive yourself. If you’re struggling with which culture you identify with, like myself, you just identify with just you. This summer I am going to be studying my ancestry. Understanding who I am and where I come from. I’m privileged in the sense that as a black woman, my mother’s paternal side we can trace our roots back to Haiti. That will help me identify myself and my roots as a lot of people of color feel comfortable when learning about their history. What does it mean to be black in America? When you’re looking at the media and the internet those are tropes. Those are types of people that are molded and created and stereotypical. For me as a black woman, what does that mean? It means doing research. Loving myself. Giving myself that love I didn’t get, growing up in a white community I was not validated as a black woman. Assimilating to white culture was encouraged. There was a lot of implied racism and stereotyping. I started to hate parts of myself as a black woman. Me and my journey has been about loving myself. Do whatever works for you. Do your research. If you have a spiritual journey, connect with your ancestors. Black people are spiritual beings. Tune into that. My spiritual journey has made me want to learn more about my ancestry.


I’ve Always Loved Being Black

How was living in a mostly white community coming from a woman of color?

I felt uncomfortable in it. I was discouraged. I grew up in a very privileged white community. So it wasn’t just about being black, it was being white and affluent which I was not. I didn’t see a lot of black and affluent people too so I started to associate success with whiteness, which is this narrative that was taught in America. That was hard. But I also never really connected to it. The core of me I always loved being black. I always identified through self-expression. I wore a lot of things vibrant clothes, tribal prints, shells, and big jewelry. Black people are just naturally creative. I always honored that. I loved that whenever I was in school I never wore the same thing as other people. People knew me for that. But it was a struggle because everything that happened to me like getting bullied or if someone didn’t like me or whatever - my default was like oh it’s because I’m black. That imprint can fuck you up because now you have this whole victim mentality. The lens that I am seeing is people don’t like me because I’m black. But being black is something you can’t control. I think that is what caused a lot of pain and fear when I was younger. When I was in middle school, I tried to condition myself to be as white as possible. It was a struggle but I always knew myself deep down. I identified through self-expression. The struggle with me was assimilating with a group, but knowing I am my own person and I’m going to have to make my own path.


Send Love and Don’t Be Bias

Anything else on your mind?

What has helped me navigate through quarantine is unlearning the conditioning that we have to agree with things. We live in the grey. Things don’t have to be black and white, right or wrong. I think it’s really important if people right now are frustrated to take the time to do their research and collect their own knowledge. A lot of what’s being communicated to us is very polarizing - having to agree to this or that. We don’t have to do either of that. Do what’s best for you. You need to know what you’re fucking with or what you’re not fucking with before you conform to it. I think there’s a lot of misinformation and I’ve fallen guilty to it. Specifically, with the Black Lives Matter movement, there’s a lot of controversy. A perfect example is the black square #blackouttuesday trend. That’s something a lot of people posted but a couple hours later we realized that it wasn’t about blacking out by posting the square but blackouting as in being silent so necessary conversations regarding the movement could we filtered on on the platform. People were supporting something that they didn’t know anything about. There’s a lot of that happening, with COVID, the movement, and politics. Right now I’m not doing anything because I’m in quarantine and I don’t have to do anything. I’m just researching. I’m just generating my own knowledge and understanding everything. Also, stop taking things so personal too.


I don’t have to take that personally when I read something. I think that’s important. Taking care of your energy. Who we are as people is so important. Make choices exclusively for ourselves and not because something outside of us told us to do that. We can end up supporting something that isn’t supporting us simply because we didn’t take the time to better understand it. Show up knowing what you want, not what you think you should want. You’re going to feed the problem with this whole bias thing. Let’s get into white privilege, “oh my gosh I didn’t know racism was a thing” it’s because you didn’t take the time to learn about it. And don’t take it personally, if you feel guilty because you're a white person give yourself permission to feel whatever it may be, validate is, but don’t take it personal when learning about what is happening to black people. When we do, we just allow the chaos to continue going on.


LOVE.

LOVE.

LOVE.


Love yourself, and love other people. Love the ones you don’t like, especially those people because those are the people that need love. Don’t let someone else’s energy penetrate you. People that are struggling in the world are lacking love. I’m always sending people love. I hope you feel it, and your day is getting better. If more people send out love, there’s less of that.

Thank you again to my spiritual sister! You are light and you are love and I hope you continue to spread that! I am so excited for your next journey as you travel the world. You have given me the knowledge and gift through your story and I am thrilled to be passing this onto those that are reading this. I am sending you love always and everywhere you go. Please use Bailee as an example and try to find inner peace and don’t take things personal. Allow only goodness in your life and the energy that your heart deserves. Check out her page and her upcoming work on her Instagram (@structuredcalamity)!


I appreciate you taking the time to read her story! Sending you love. From one lost girl to another, here’s to ending racism and always being yourself.

With love,

Another Lost Boy